I got an email a few weeks ago from a friend of mine, Ben Simpson, who reminded me of the dangers of pastors loving their churches more than Christ. I suggest you go read his blog. He’s a great thinker and theologian and as a young man, has a lot to offer us in today’s world. He has a heart of gold and much to share in this ever changing world.
He reminded me of a section in my book where I wrote about the church as the pastor’s “first mistress.” Shocked? Well, hold on. Let me go back and explain myself.
I’m writing this series to help people understand all the people who are effected by the fall of an adulterous pastor, or a pastor who falls for any reason. People are left in the wake of his sin. Churches, wives, friends, denominational leadership, associational leadership, family, etc. What is everyone supposed to make of this?
I was there, as a pastor, three years ago, almost to this day. I blogged about it anonymously and wrote a book about it called, “Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World.” It’s a book for fallen pastors, churches who have been betrayed by fallen pastors, wives of fallen pastors, anyone who has sinned greatly, those who distrust religion, and anyone looking for answers. No holds barred. I obviously have a heart to love on anyone who has fallen from grace. Why? Because Christ did. He loves us regardless how far we fall.
But let’s get back to reality. The pastor has committed adultery. He has been caught, red-handed. He has led your church for however many years. He has baptized your children, has led passionate sermons, put together some great programs for the lost, assembled numerous Vacation Bible Schools, but now, he’s a wretch. A complete loser. He violated the seventh commandment. Let’s kick the guy out.
Let me start with this little fact that you, as a church member, may not know. Keep reading after the jump.
The Church Is The First Mistress
When a pastor takes on his first church, or even his second, he is dedicated to the ministry. He wants to please his 
church and God more than anything. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that pleasing Christ and the people in the building are two different things. God knows I can speak from experience after eight years. And I know after seeing fallen pastors and talking to pastors who are still in ministry, I can testify to this.
In my book, Fallen Pastor, I quote these statistics:
- More than 40% of pastors and 47% of their spouses report they are suffering from burnout, frantic schedules and unrealistic expectations.
- 71% stated they were burned out and they battle depression beyond fatigue on a weekly and even a daily basis
- 30% said they had either been in an ongoing affair or a one-time sexual encounter with a parishioner
- 30-40% of ministers ultimately drop out of ministry
- 75% go through a period of stress so great, they consider quitting
- 90% work more than 46 hours a week
- 80% believed pastoral ministry affected their families negatively
- 33% believed ministry was a hazard to their ministry
(Fallen Pastor, 29-30)
Pastors are consumed with their jobs. They are consumed more with their jobs than they are with their families, I am afraid. In my book, I quote Bill Leonard, an expert in counseling pastors: “A lot of ministers have what we call the ‘mistress,’ which is the church. They’re eating supper the phone rings and the mistress has called. They’re getting ready to take a vacation, something in the church happens and the vacation is cancelled. The mistress has taken precedence over the family.” (Fallen Pastor, 26)
Further, I write about this a few paragraphs later: ” The mistress, the church, is not the same as the true body of Christ. The mistress of ministry is harsh and demanding, it is the overwhelming passion of success that becomes addictive. Within it are the payoffs of appreciation and acceptance.” (Fallen Pastor, 26-27)
In all of this, the church is completely unaware of the passion the pastor has for the church. He is driven to please her, to make programs for her, to make her great. Even to the point to neglect his own family and marriage for her. Unfortunately, men do this to their own fall. They neglect their own families to the point to where they become weak to temptation and fall into a trap and sin. That sin is their own responsibility.
Several great articles have been written about this. Including this one. Or this one.
But it is something the church seems to be unaware of. I guess in seminary, I wasn’t listening correctly. I was to build the church. grow it, make it great. Make programs so that it grew immensely. But I seemed to forget it was made of people. People who needed help. People who were broken and needed to hear basic truth. When I came out of seminary, I thought every church, regardless of size, should be able to grow to be a super-mega-sized church. That was my folly. I poured my heart into programs, ideas, catalogs, and thoughts of other people. Yes, I did preach the Word, but it didn’t seem to be enough.
Why is that? After sitting through other churches since my fall, I have a better grasp. These churches have been sitting through the same sermons for decades. No change, no difference, nothing new. Does that release them from responsibility? No. But it shows that we are a stagnant group of pastors preaching the same thing over and over, not challenging them to new things.
Now on to the wounded church…
The Hurt Church
When the pastor falls into a sin, they had no idea they they were being treated as his first mistress. They saw a young up and comer preaching the Word of God to them. They saw a pastor who was trying to make change and bringing young couples to the church. After the fall, I have noted several complaints from the fallen pastor: “They didn’t appreciate me; they placed me too high on a pedestal; they overworked me; they put me under so much pressure so that I couldn’t spend time with my family; I wasn’t paid enough; I didn’t get the satisfaction from my work that I needed; I didn’t get enough help; the conflict was too great for me.”
Those are all important complaints. They are valid complaints. Too many times the pastor doesn’t voice those complaints to the church until it is too late. But even when he does, he may feel like the church leadership dismisses those complaints as if they aren’t “that big of a deal.” Pastors often feel discouraged by the leadership’s response.
Let me tell you the honest truth. If a pastor ever, ever complains to the church leadership behind closed doors about a 
problem, take it seriously. Help him. Most pastors internalize their problems and think they can fix everything on their own. But on the rare occasion that he comes to you in severe stress, even crying,or pouring his heart out, try to fix it. Get to the heart of the matter. Because you have a pastor who is about to fail. Or you have a man who is more than worried about how much offering is taken in or how few people are in the seats on Sunday.
When a pastor has a serious concern that he brings before his deacons, he has a personal problem. And it probably goes way back to family life, a church conflict, or his own soul. Listen to him.
Listen to him before he falls.
What the Wounded Church Can Do
I know this is a long post, so bear with me. What can you do if you pastor has committed adultery?
Well, let me ask you this – what would you want someone to do if you had fallen into a deep pit with seemingly no way out? Would you want them to walk by the pit and say, “Well, stupid, you shouldn’t have fallen into that pit into the first place?”
Nope. You’d want a rope thrown to you. Adulterous pastors won’t want to respond to help right away either. They will be resistant. But like Dr. Hershael York said in my book, if a man shows any sign of repentance, they’re worth going after. And this is very important – if you don’t think your church is after the task, find a group of people who are. Do it.
For years, this man stood at the invitation begging for people to be saved. Now it’s your turn to help him. If you can’t do it, find someone who will. Don’t just toss him on the trash heap of Gehenna. Get him some help.
How the Church Can Be Healed
This isn’t easy and it will take time. I’m here to talk to any church that loses a pastor. Contact me. Don’t think you’re going to heal in a matter of two months when an interim comes along. It takes longer than that. There are people in your church who will be disillusioned and hurt. Don’t sweep it under the rug, because the stuff you sweep under the rug will jump out and haunt you years later.
Get your church help to heal. If you don’t the next pastor who comes in will be handling the baggage of the last pastor. He won’t last long either. Trust me.
Bottom line: This isn’t easy. Don’t go it alone. Get help from your denomination, from counselors, from experts, from other churches. Don’t try to fix it yourself because you are hurt, angry and devastated. You need help just as much as your fallen pastor.
___________________________
Ray Carroll is author of Fallen Pastor: Finding Restoration in a Broken World. It is available at most online bookstores as well as on the Amazon Kindle.